Saturday love...
There were Saturday nights where I would drive around Hartford, getting lost, just to convince others that I was out at a party having fun when I was only alone, wanting to cry, and falling asleep with the side of my face pressed against a cold and foggy window. There were Saturday nights where I would visit the local bookstore and search through magazines until the store closed just to convince those that I was outside of my room enjoying life at college. There were Saturday nights where I would search for a remote place to park my car so that I could fall asleep until it was time to go back to my room and act like I just came from a party or a friends. There were Saturday nights where I would pray to god that I could just find one friend. There were Saturday nights were I would have to plan what parking lot I was going to drive to next before someone became too suspicious. There were Saturday nights where I prayed heavily that my roommate would not be in the room. It’s Saturday night, and here I stay. Home, alone, crying for the first time in three years. I HATE SATURDAY NIGHTS; Sundays, Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays as well.I’ve been trying so hard to push myself, just so that I could be happy. All I ever wanted from life was a plethora of friends, but for some reason that will never happen. I try to tell myself that I don’t need any friends and that I can do bad all by myself. But it hurts me so much to see a group of people having so much fun together as friends. I have no one hear to laugh with, to study with, to eat with, to dance with, or cry with. I have one phone number of a student who goes here, and I feel as if I becoming a leech. I need a life. I can design my ass off and accumulate a 3.5 GPA, but I can’t make a friend. I can’t hold a conversation with someone because I have no enlighten stories of my college days hanging out with my best friends. I can’t explain to them that I walk around all day hoping someone comes up to me and says Hi, how are you doing. I feel like everyone just looks at me as a cornball. Im not black enough, hood enough, white enough, straight enough or me enough. I cant do this anymore. I just want to go home. I can’t believe I’m crying like this. There’s a party tonight, just outside my dorm, and I don’t want to go because I would have to go alone. My head is hurting and I think my roommate is coming back. Don’t feel sorry for me because it’s only my fault. Bye I have to go walk to my car, there’s a vacant parking lot calling my name.
Please comment...I need it!
Nalij
posted by Liber8Lyph @ 10:32 PM
2 Comments:
I feel you because a couple of years ago i was very much like you. i didn't sit in parking lots or anything but I would spend my time locked up in my apartment, avoid people, even turn down invitations to hang out. Like Mytruth said you have to stop avoiding people. Find a study group or a club you can join.
Have you always been like this? Maybe you have Social Anxiety Disorder or something
i'm back... and just in time, it seems.
holla at ya boy.
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