Love death...
I feel like im always talkin about someone that I admire from a far distance. I never get enough courage to say something to them until it is too late. And he is so strong, so determined, so full of life; this brother is nice. Five from thirty, he fills the room with smiles and common smirks. He glows with success and rides life like a homaged cowboy. I thought this dude was the kind i was searching for all along. It he was. he embodied what I have been dreaming about; strong in mind, college educated, witty. The perfection of man at the time, but i could never tell him how i felt. His presences made me nervous, and I couldn't be myself. Something told me to keep my gaurd up cause this dude could hurt me. Knowing that I felt so heavy towards him, I didn't want to get caught up in him then have my heart pulled apart, broken, stepped on and then swept in the closet. I didnt want to take that risk so i held my position and acted uninterested. Well I tried. I could never tell if he was feeling me, becasue when we did meet it would be this akward, intra-seperate (im not sure if im feeling you) feeling. However this kat was fresh! with a smile like heaven, he defined smooth in so many ways, from the way he walked to the tone of his voice. Take a picture and look at it for days. I was really feeling this dude, but i kept tellin myself not to fall in. We would have made the sexiest couple in 2005. The truth! me savy and he sexy; the combination would create an explosion. I came to realize that I envied this man. Wanted to be more of him and less like me. His personality blew me away. He was, what I wished to be. Ready for the world at large, this gentleman took the world in his arms. Beautiful------Then he died.
Love and Lust...
What is it about love that can get you all tied up in some false predictable pre-notion of what you think love should be. This heaven-fied, romantic, intangible love. Its funny how we dream about that PERFECT someone who takes your breath away and makes everything around you invisible. That one person who makes you stumble, stutter, stalk, and seduce.
Throw away these dreams of love. Rather than searching for love we need to watch out for lust. So many people get confused with love and lust. Could they be interchangable? could one exist without the other? Are we bound to one and not the next? LOVE and LUST. Two phenomena that cannot be defined. Endlessly, many of us get so wrapped up in how sexy he/she is we forget to look beyond their beauty. And when its too late, you realize you only admired the complexion of his skin, the warm tone of his voice, the heavy beat of his heart. But Damn, this dude is dumb, lacks common sense and balances a life between a hustla and a gangsta.
Four letters that can be commonly interchangable: and so offten it happens. My friend says he is in love with the kat 2 hours away from him. Remind you, this is his first gay relationship (actually relationship every). Anyway, I tell him he is not in love because the only thing the two have in common is sex. Everytime they meet, they have sex. I can only imagine their conversations! He lusts over the size of his dick and the tone of his body, but im not sure if he is in love with his man's wittiness, or oversized ego. I'm telling you, although he says he is in love he truely cant be. Like life, I think true love an only be found with wisdom. You got to have your heart broken a few times, taken a few hits, and broke someone else heart.
I dont know, but from now on im no longer looking for love but looking out for lust
Why?
Why do black folk always feel the need to validate themselves? It always feels like we are trying to prove something. Be some sort of super-unreal negro hero. Aint got no washer or dryer but will certainly pull up to the laundry mat in a Benz. The Shiniest things hold more value than the relationships held with family...Who are we trying to impress?
Is it that hard to sacrifice alittle? Instead of buying that new outfit for the club, can you pay your rent on time? Is it that hard. Dont buy those new rims if you can't pay for classes next semester. DAMN!
Why do black folk allow the color of their skin become an obstacle in their lives? Can't one just try harder? Lets be something more than the Status Quo.
Why are white people always amussed by the texture of our hair?
You cant be a thug in college....it just doesn't work that way!
Will i see you next lifetime?
Love: it comes when we least expected and when we crave it so heavily it never shows its face. What's up with love?
I am loving fresh...
Right far back corner, near the projector. Head leaned heavenly in the red accented notebook, writing and writing a song in b minor. He stood 5 foot nine inches, olive toned/red bone, light mohagony hair. Slim and tucked in his own style. FRESH! I love it. Latino in disguise, he wore a mohawk with brown eyes and a nose as gentle as a swooping willow. Fitted jeans, black chucks and a too small t-shirt that read latin music fest. Fresh! I'm loving it. A musican at mind and a purist at heart. Damn, I wish I could have that. A style so unfamilar to many, he held his composure. I never really knew what I considered attractive until today. I like someone with style. Now not your ordinary Diddy, Cam'ron, Kanye style, but a style that is so fresh that you almost hate it type of style. Have you ever seen a puerto rican with a mohawk and a liking for hip-hop and punk. Can't no one put a lable on this boy and sell it. He's too original and its ornate. He juxtapsoed the the style of life. Fresh, is what i call him...Fresh Martinez, and I'm loving it so well. A trend setter, and he probably doesn't even know it. I bet you he knows hows to skateboard and make a jump-shot. Damn, now that feels good! After class I followed him to the library...LOL...acted like i was looking for something and went back to my room. Funny, but I am loving Fresh, we just started dating this afternoon. LOL!
PS> you can't have him.... because he's taken...sorry!
Black Second
I was feeling rather poetic today. As if i dont feel poetic everyday? LOL
Heavier than mallets, molds, matter
The equation is rather,
Undefined and unclear, I stand.
My equation is not equal to
Nor does it equal to man
Conceptually, we are equal
Yet to that I cannot attest.
The maggots devour souls
The solider upon the breast
The redefined defines its own sequal
And yet, we are second best
Love Calls
Call me when wind breaks
Call me when freedom's back on sale
Call me in hell
Call me three months from now when Pookie's out of jail
Call me tomorrow
Call me sometime, some-soon, some day
Just call me to say...
I miss you!
Copy written so dont copy me
Nalij
The jungle in me...
This weekend I have felt Bamboozled in a sense. Never before have I felt so ugly; never before have I felt so alone. This adjustment has been settling in very very very slowly. Im still at a very uncomfortable state, however hopefully in a few weeks that will all change. Rather, let me get back to what I was saying. The other night I met this guy, we will call him rican from now on, and we chilled at his place. I was nervous I must say. Every bone in my body felt like it was screwed and wired together. Crazy! Anyhow we chilled watched a movie, laughed, talked, but it just didn't feel right. I mean, I was feeling this kat; he had his on sense of style, a sense of humor, sense of life. For the moment it felt good, but i wasnt to sure how the rican felt about me. The hour was late and I was not sure if he wanted me to leave or not. I wanted to stay just to spend some time with the rican but they lay bored at the edge of the bed 20 miles from me. Did i look like a fool because I was nervous? Is he just being shy? Should I just leave? So I did...
Today I asked him because I just couldn't stop thinking about it.
-Honestly, I asked, Are you feeling me?
*you know that long hesitation that is followed by a unwelcoming answer*
-Well... naa...I mean... so.... your not really my type, he responded
Okay so now what... Am I not thug enough, or am I too bougie? I respect eveyones taste but what the hell! Maybe its the fact that I have never been rejected before. Like I said, I was beginning to like this rican, or maybe it was the fact that I always thought about being with a rican and this was the first opportunity that I have had. Nevertheless, I have never felt so rejected before. It is a strange state of depression that it places you in. I'll get over it I guess. I really want to get to know this kid though. I thought we could have had soomething. If the rican ever reads this maybe he will give me a call. Because right now I am about through with talking to anyone. I have been decieved to many times this weekend. Crazy...the jungle in me!
