Welcome back...
It has been a long time since my last post, and I appologize greatly for that. There has been much change in my life, yet im still the same kid from down the block. I still rock pink graphic tees and chucks, my skin is still caramel and chewy, and I still spend to much time waiting for some mircle to make me happy. Moreover, my life is looking brighter ( even though it wasn't that dark to begin with). I recently recieved my BFA, closing another chapter in my life. My Senior year was an awsome learning experience. I found a new mind, a new makings and a new man. Graduated magna cum laude (exciting) and recieved an award for best senior thesis. I hate to talk about myself like this, but I am truly blessed and talented when I acknowledge it. Anyway, this new man in my life makes me happy (at times). HE, cordilant, thoughtful, smart, social and real, makes me happy. I never thought that I could feel this way for someone again, but it happened. I realized that I loved him when we were on a trip with some collegues in New Orleans and I began to get jealous of other people when they were getting his attention. I wanted to cry because he was playing spin the bottle and hanging out with other people and not me, and still today I get upset when someone takes his time away from me (like when I went to visit him last night and he continued to answer his phone more than 15 times). It is so strange, but I love this boy. He makes me happy. And if anyone can deal with my bitching and complaining for 10 months, than he must love me just as much. I gotta keep this one for awhile. However, there has been times where I just wanted to give up because I dont love myself. I still streching to find some happiness within myself. Deep down, in some foreign region of my soul lays happiness and I am still reaching for it. I black out at him when I should be fighting myself for being so selfish and childish. Well enough about him and back to me. So now graduated and in love, I am job-less. However, there is this great void that needs to be filled before I gear up and lock down with any career goal of mine. I want to do something sustaining, fulfilling and grants memories and plenty of great stories. I want to travel to Senegal of take a internship in Canada. I need to do this in order to fill a little bit closer to my dream. So if anyone knows of any great opportunity, please inform me.
2007...
It has been quite a long time...I must admit. I had nothing to write about simply because my life has been on hiatus! Struggling to find myself, making this school thing work and finding this thing we once called happiness is all I've been up to. I remember being a kid, and I had not one worry in the world. The dirt pie I made taste just like chocolate and we lost Saturdays soccer game, but who really cares. Life was so good! Now I find myself worrying about everything. I worry about my future the most and its beginning to tare me apart. 2007 will be a good year as I close so my chapters of my life. Lately I have been feeling very unaccomplished. I know that I am young, but I feel like I have been doing the same shit for too damn long. I cannot wait for my career to escalate, live on my own, get my puppy Dexter, vacation in Peru and Senegal, host a party, laugh with my friends, make some money, and love myself. This road to what I consider happiness is dark and cold and without any shoes, I trench down its dirt embedded trail.
Happy Holidays
This year's holiday endeavors have not been so rewarding. I didn't get much but a few sweaters. Gift cards and some hugs! When all I wanted for Christmas was some attention, a friend, a thoughtfully conversation, a vacation, a story, a destination, a road trip, a blanket of smiles, a surprise, a hobby...I wanted my life to come back home. My mother asked to borrow some money this holiday, instead of asking me how I was doing in school or can I see some of your work, or what I'd like for Christmas. I went over her house early xmas morning and had to leave within 20 mins because I can't stand her husband. There's this evil essence in which he embodies. After I left my mother's I went back home to find it empty and quiet since my dad was out with his girlfriend somewhere. I later catch a ride with my dad to my grandmothers house whom asks me everyday when I am going back to school....So again I tell her the same thing " In two weeks". After listening to my grandfather joke around and my aunt boast about her new career ventures, we head back home to find my niece and brother bearing gifts. I think this was the best part of my Christmas because it felt like home again. However the night ended short as my brother rushed off to my mothers house. I feel like my brother likes it more over there than to be in this house of bad memories. Anyway, it was around 6:30pm then....I had nothing to do, or anyone to visit so I decided to lay in my bed and sleep. How exciting, and I think New Year's eve will be even worse. Happy New Year!
Who is he?
I hate the way he smiles, and sometimes he does this thing with his eyes. He judges everyone, but when the judging is on him shit isn’t as funny. He lies and has this obese obsession with design. I must admit, he is intelligent, determined, and ambitious: however, he has no life. He has no hobbies, yet plenty of dreams. At times he gets in these moods where he needs no one and wants no one, yet needs everyone to pay him attention. He is very complex in everyway imaginable. He thinks he is ugly, but I think it’s his way of fishing for compliments. Attention he wants but at the same time he doesn’t need it. A Gemini at heart and Cancer by nature, he prowls this earth determined to make everyone see things his way. This stubborn man loves me. He makes me smile when I’m ready to give up on life. Somehow he knows how to make my worst day better by just making me laugh. Even though I hate his shy behavior around strangers, he makes me feel comfortable. He’s artistic, he’s suave, clever and comedic. Although he is everything I need I still hate his smile, or the way the fork scraps the edge of his teeth as he eats. I hate his lack of social skills, or lack of self-confidence. I hate the way he acts like he knows everything. I hate how he laughs. I hate his mood swigs. I hate his morning breath. I hate his hair. I hate his back. I hate the color of his teeth, the way he walks, his dialect, his confidence, his humbleness, I hate him most because he is ME.
Yes... (random info)
After all the complaining and crying I did over the sittuation of this school, I must admit...I am the shit! Things always turn out to be okay, but i have always been the type to worry over everything. However, The art school that I attend requires the visual communications department to hand in a yearly portfolio. For Juniors you must recieve a b- or higher for seniors u need a b+ or higher. Well this year in the Junior review I recieved the second highest grade. Mind you I am a first year transfer. I came in this bitch and took over! I was .02 points away from being the TOP of the junior class. Next year I gotta hold it down. AND I WILL!
Random thoughts...
This world that we live in is so strange; grabing you by your pinky toe and swinging you against the tide. One thing about life, is that you can never predict what well happen next, who will step out or into your life, who will die, or where you will be when whatever happens. As I twirl around this globe with my pinky toe sore to the touch, i begin to wonder why on earth am I here. It seems as if whatever I do seems to change direction. Nothing is wrong with it, I am just tired of these ill-directions. i guess thats life! Moreover, i know where I am heading to. So no matter the paths that I take, the only thing that matters is if i get to my destination or not. Believe me.I WILL GET THERE!
This morning I got dumped. He told me that he got bored. He was tired of not seeing me often since he resides in Philly and I in CT. He never tried to make it work. He waited untill I would come back to New Jersey. he never tried to come see me in CT. He must have cheated on me. He might have lied to me. He said he really liked me. I choose to believe him. Maybe he is back with his ex. Maybe I wasnt cute enough. Maybe I wasn't man enough. Maybe I'm tripping and just need to move on. I got to much goin for myself to let someone else throw me off track. Fuck him!
I am just tired of this seasonal love affairs that keep having me on this crazy roller coster of emotions. I really thought that this one would work. but fuck him too.
On the other hand, things are looking kind of sweet. My family has begun our Art business. Look out for us, because we are coming out BIG! Things are slowly coming together, so the future looks bright.
He will
He will
Because the bible told me so
the story shall be bold and heavy.
Their backs shall crack with blood
and run down the base of your hips.
Your smiles shall be washed into soul music.
The bible told me...
Because the night will be champaign in tone
it will fall on the tip of your ego,
freeze and stand attention.
The source is in some sort of forth dimension.
I know this because I read.
I also know the world is flat.
How do you think we can obtain this low standard of life...
Because the bible told you so?
This dream shall be bigger than life itself
maximize the force three times its own weight
stronger than hate, more forceful than the passion of Christ
the fear of heights, the clearance which any idea can surpass.
This dream, this forearm of my thoughts, the charge of life, the core of sight.
This dream is the reason why he loves me. Not because the bible told he might.
Nalij
copy written (so don't copy me)
